On the eve of Lincoln’s bicentennial, let it be known I would’ve been a better wife to him — Guest post by Inna

Editor’s Note: When my friend Inna isn’t telling jokes, she’s geeking out about history. Most recently, some billion-part Lincoln documentary convinced her she would’ve been a much better wife to ol’ honest Abe than Mary had been. I was like, “Inna, what? Please blog about this.” So she did.


The more I learned about Abraham Lincoln, the more I resented his wife— mainly because she got to marry him and I never would.

Originally, I planned to guest blog about the many reasons that I would be a better wife to Lincoln than Mary. These reasons include:

1. I like messy hair, whereas she tried to plaster his hair to his head at every possibility of public appearance.
   
   
2. I wear my clothes until there are holes in them and reuse a paper towel until it’s too gross to touch, whereas she liked to fill their house with extravagant decorations much to the dismay of her minimalist husband.
   
   
3. I’m 5’4”, which in my opinion, is a vast improvement to her 5 feet 2 inches when you consider Lincoln was 6’4” and at that time already considered a monster giant who didn’t need further reinforcement of that fact every time he stood next to his wife.

Also, I was going to point out that she was a crazy ho.

But— after learning more about her— I cannot hate on Mary. After Lincoln died (compounded a few years later by the death of yet another one of their sons), she completely lost it and virtually never left her house for the last decade of her life. I understand that, and probably would have reacted the same way. The loss of a man that extraordinary would no doubt be debilitating.

So instead, I’d like to bring attention to something that would probably cheer up Mary just as it cheers up her taller rival (me).



2009 marks the bicentennial of Lincoln’s birth. On May 30, 2009, as part of a celebration of the bicentennial and Lincoln’s achievements, the Lincoln Memorial will be rededicated. (The original 1922 dedication of the memorial will have occurred exactly four score and seven years ago!)

On this day, everyone should take a moment to think about Mr. Lincoln and his handsome beard. Also, the new president of the U.S. will be invited to the rededication. If that president is Barack Obama, the significance of the rededication will be especially noteworthy. F’ing amazing, even. And I’m pretty sure my new friend Mary would agree.


For more info on Lincoln’s bicentennial celebration, click to LincolnBicentennial.gov. And don’t any of you dare forget to vote tomorrow!