Awkward Times with Dan — Back to School edition

Editor’s Note: Welcome to the first installment of “Awkward Times with Dan” — a series of uncomfortable tales from that shy dude who lived a floor above me freshman year of college. Today Dan imparts valuable tips for those looking to succeed (or at least get recognized) this semester.


Clearly Nat King Cole was not singing about me in “Unforgettable.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met people only to see them in the future and have them not recognize me.

This is understandable, though, since I’m the worst conversationalist in the world. I generally have nothing to say, and don’t like talking in general. “Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordly evidence of the fact.” I think Justin Timberlake said that once.

I apply the same tactics when it comes to school. None of my professors know me, and that is pretty much by design. If a professor doesn’t take attendance, I can blow off 60% of classes, and nobody is the wiser. Including me, kids, because it’s very important to attend class.

Anyway, none of my professors know who I am, and I’m OK with it. Except for today when it was a little embarrassing. In my first class this morning, we had a test. I showed up 10 minutes late, as I do quite often because I hate waking up in the morning.

So when I got there everyone already had the test, and the professor was sitting at his desk. I walked up to the professor, expecting him to hand me a test so I could get on with it. Instead he looks up with a “What do you want?” expression. At first I thought he may have thought I already had the test and was coming up to ask a question. But then I thought, No, I am pretty sure he saw me walk in the door just now, and even if he didn’t, I am wearing a winter coat and have my backpack on.

An awkward second or 2 passes, at which point I realize I need to say something. Not thinking I’d need to say something, I didn’t have anything prepared (I generally need to prepare sentences well in advance). So I said something to the effect of “I… umm. I’m just getting here… I.. uhhhh.. I need a test… to take… so I can… uh… you know… do it.” His response: “Are you from Professor L’s class?”

You see, the same class is taught by 2 different professors, but they have the same tests, etc. I have actually been going to this class, for the most part— so you’d think he would maybe recognize me. In his defense, though, up until today I always wore a hat and only wore glasses to see the board. Today I wasnt wearing a hat, I had cut my hair into a faux hawk, and I was wearing glasses. So I’m sure he was thinking, “My god, this man is handsome— surely if he was in this class I would recognize him. He must be from the other class.”

Finally he hands me the test, and I go to sit down. Instead of individual seating, this room has tables with stools. And of course there arent enough for the whole class. So I glance around for a while, looking rather foolish, before I finally find a table to squeeze in at. I am a little warm being in such close quarters with these people, and also because I did not take off my coat.

Then Professor L comes in and announces that the room across the hall is cooler and more comfortable, so whoever wants to go there can head over. I immediately snatch up my test, coat and backpack (still on the back for such occasions when a quick get-away is helpful), and head to the cooler room expecting other students to follow. Only nobody did. So I spent the rest of the class period thinking, “Why didnt anyone else come? Should I not have come in here? Should I go back? I cant go back. That would be stupid. But why didn’t anyone else come? I thought this was the logical thing to do. But why didn’t anyone else come??”