Let Smoove B show you how to talk to a lady

Ladies man Smoove B is a fictional columnist whose smooth-talking antics made him my favorite “writer” at The Onion between 1998 and 2007. I don’t think his column has been officially abandoned, but over the past few years his Opinion pieces have become infrequent (the last one was posted in July ‘07).

I, for one, sure hope his reign isn’t over. I think Smoove’s still got a wealth of knowledge to impart to today’s gentlemen about how to woo the ladies. Consider the following snippets — some favorite quotes of mine pulled from various columns.

When you and I go out to eat, I’m gonna pull out your chair for you to sit down. This is a classy maneuver that means I respect you and know how to treat you right. And during our dinner together I’m gonna be whispering in your ear a sweet stream of compliments regarding your exquisite beauty. “Baby,” I’ll say, “your lips are like a luscious, red ocean of desire. And my lips will be like a boat upon that ocean.” And any other variety of compliment.
from I’ll Treat You Right

You say this man treats you like a princess, but didn’t Smoove treat you like a queen? You say this man buys you jewelry and assorted designer handbags, but didn’t Smoove buy you whatever your heart desired? You say this man takes you out on the town, but didn’t Smoove also take you to the finest restaurants in the tri-county area, in addition to preparing you home-cooked meals using unusual gourmet mushrooms?
from Give Me Just One More Chance

Once you have had your fill of fruit, we will take a romantic walk on the beach. At first, we will run in the surf and laugh in an extremely playful manner. If you want to splash me, you can feel free to do so. I will not mind.
from Let Smoove Take You Away

When we are through with the lovemaking aspect of our romantic evening together, I will still continue to attend to your needs. If you wish a grape to be placed in your mouth, I will place one there. It does not matter whether you want a purple grape or a white grape, as I will supply myself with grapes of both colors.
from Get Smooved

If you just pick up the phone, I would tell you that I want to give you nothing but pleasure all through the night. I would take you to a level you have never been to before—not with any man, not even with Darnell.
I will loan you money also, if you need any.
from Baby, Please Pick Up That Phone

Bring your body to me now, and I will show you a night of love that you have never known. I will take you to a level that no lover could ever take you. We will be in the atmosphere. I will take you higher and higher, to heaven and even further. We will be love astronauts, colonizing other planets with our passion. We will bump to Jupiter. Grind to Pluto.
Damn.
from Bring It On

Ladies, there it is. Sweeter words have never been spoken.

You can view all of Smoove B’s hilarious columns in these Onion archives. There’s also Smoove’s Boudoir, which includes unreleased work, recipes, and even e-cards perfect for sending to your special ladyfriend this Valentine’s Day!