No I will not drape “Hairy-Kate” in bloody animals on the internet

Given my previously declared love for Mary-Kate Olsen, I guess I’m obligated to point out how offended I am by PETA’s new anti-fur campaign, starring “Hairy-Kate and Trashley Trollsen.” Yes, the rhyming is super clever, and yes, given the opportunity, I might spend the rest of my evening playing a “dress the girls in bloody animal coats” game, but alas, my loyalty binds me to a fake boycott.

For a replacement spokesperson, I nominate the star of last night’s subway ride, the craaazy-eyed woman crammed into the seat next to me in her gargantuan fluffy fur coat. All the way home to Brooklyn, she slurped her bottle of coca-cola and read my book over my shoulder (which I HATE), and thereby effectively turned me off to fur forever. No living creature should ever have to die for that particular woman. If it were up to me, I’d ban her from cheeseburgers.