“ACT: Do you have a good example of a way to respond to someone who has just told a sexist/rape joke?
LINDY: I find that just a calm, simple interrogation is really effective. “I don’t get it.” “What’s the joke?” “No, but what’s the funny part of the joke?” “What’s the joke about?” And make them say, out right, that their “joke” is at the expense of rape victims, or women, or whatever marginalized group they think makes a good punchline. If you feel like it. At this point–unless it’s a well-meaning friend who just made a mistake–I mostly roll my eyes and avoid them forever.
“Any long-term relationship that’s successful is really a myth that two people create together … and myths are built of lies, and there’s usually some kernel of truth… When you think about it, you meet somebody for the first time, and they’re not presenting their warts-and-all self to you — they’re presenting their idealized self to you, they’re leading with their best. And then, eventually, you’re farting in front of each other. Eventually, you get to see the person who is behind that facade of their best, and they get to see the person your facade, your lie-self — this lie that you presented to them about who you really are. And what’s beautiful about a long-term relationship, and what can be transformative about it, is that I pretend every day that my boyfriend is the lie that I met when I first met him. And he does that same favor to me — he pretends that I’m that better person than I actually am. Even though he knows I’m not. Even though I know he’s not. And we then are obligated to live up to the lies we told each other about who we are — we are then forced to be better people than we actually are, because it’s expected of us by each other. And you can, in a long-term relationship, really make your lie-self come true — if you’re smart, and you demand it of them, and you’re willing to give it to them… That’s the only way you become “the one” — it’s because somebody is willing to pretend you are.”—Dan Savage, The Price of Admission: Dan Savage on the Myth of “The One” | Brain Pickings